Hyperbole should be spelled, “Hyper Bowl”
And it should be more like Thunderdome:
Two words enter;
One word leaves.
Sentences bracketed
By oversized shoulder pads
With blood-encrusted spikes,
Duke it out over poignancy.
Gerundive phrases latching onto them
With, like, Wolverine claws.
Tina Turner
Controls all alliteration.
A gang of prepositions
Chases Mel Gibson in the desert
On dune buggies armed with machine guns.
Master Blaster
Dominates all other rhymes.
It turns out that adverbs
Are actually filled with sand.
The entire stanza
Runs on pig shit.
The pen would decimate the sword.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Hurtful Words
(This is a new poem that I'm not sure is done, or any good at all. I would really appreciate some critical feedback on this one.)
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10 comments:
First off, let me say I completely dig the fact that you stated that you'd like some feedback. Thats a really good idea. Honestly, this poem is fucking great, just like anything you write. I wouldn't change a god damn thing.
Thank you, I appreciate the praise. But I'm just not too confident on this one. Like, I think the diction is a little weak. I'm going for aggressive, powerful language, to show the strength of words. But I don't know if it sounds any good. Like I'm not crazy about the word "dominates." It makes sense there, but it seems like a crappy word to me. At the risk of badgering you, or anyone else, can you specifically tell me what is (not) working for you in this poem, so I know how to fix this one or any others?
To be honest with you, I love it just how it is. It's real. In my opinion, the best work is spontanious. I love this poem. Its very different then most poetry and that's what makes it great. It flows, well to me, perfectly and sounds amazing but that's just me. Wait to see what others say!
Wordsworth often?
Huh? hahah
In the introduction to "Lyrical Ballads," Wordsworth wrote "all good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings." Despite being a dreadfully boring poet, Wordsworth might be onto something there (not that I entirely agree--good poetry needs revision and well developed crafting, in my opinion- though it may stem from spontaneity).
OOOOH...
I read that way too fast and I thought you said wordcount often...
I was like well its not too long?...
hahahaha
i feel at has some strong points, however, i do also feel that it is a little weak in some areas, i cant quite place my finger on it.. but all in all, i like the concept for sure.
Thank you for the comments.
If you happen to think of what it is, in particular, please let me know.
Always a pleasure to meet other writers.
i liked the play on hyperbole. really cool bro!
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