one.
this room is gray.
the wood floors are splintered.
it is freezing.
there is no wood to feed the stove.
the pipes are frozen.
the heat is shut off.
no money.
no food.
just you.
our breaths,
in the air,
collide.
the only place warm is,
knowing there's something more.
we make love to stay warm.
two.
i will not burn these books.
i will not burn these books.
the fire they will feed,
will not be for heat.
passionately,
we stay warm,
again.
(im still not certain i like how it is now, of before. i realize it's slightly choppy, but i wanted it to be more free verse. comments? criticisms? likes? dislikes?)
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3 comments:
no money.
no food.
just you.
our breaths,
in the air,
collide.
This part flows alot better
I like the changes you've made. But you're right, it does seem a little choppy. Maybe it needs less periods, like:
this room is gray
the wood floors are splintered
it is freezing.
I think you could get away with this. You're already breaking grammatical rules by not starting sentences or lines with a capitol letter, so why not only use punctuation to guide the reader's rhythm.
Also, maybe try toying with some of the diction. It's a short poem, but there are a few words that are repeated. Like "warm" or "feed". Are there other ways to say this? Put a little more pressure on the language (although I think there is a good deal there already).
Sorry if I'm contradicting something I said before or telling you what to do too much. I'm just rattling off ideas in case I happen to say something that helps.
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