one.
this room is gray, the wood floors are splintered.
it is freezing.
there is no wood to feed the stove.
the pipes are frozen; heat shut off.
no money, no food.
just you.
our breath in the air collide.
the only place warm is...
we make love to stay warm
two.
i will not burn these books.
i will not burn these books.
the fire they will feed will not be for heat.
(still in progress. how about some feed back?)
2 comments:
I dig it man.
The One and The Two..
is that to differ from two different points in time? Or something else? That caught my attention right off the bat.
what stands out to me is that the line breaks and syntax are somewhat inconsistent. For example, you have the lines, "it is freezing./there is no wood to feed the stove." Both lines are complete sentences, start with a lower case and end with a period. But you also have lines like, "this room is gray, the wood floors are splintered." which could be two sentences if you use a period and two different lines with a line break. I like having straight up, crisp sentences, but either way you prefer, I think it could work well to have the whole poem be like that.
In line 5, I don't think a semicolon is the right punctuation.
It seems a little awkward to use ellipses in the ninth line then have a normal, full line, and then go into a header for the next section. The rhythm is really odd. Very stop and go. It would seem better to end a section on an ellipsis, if you want to uses one, and maybe follow it with a new stanza for the second section.
I'd like to see you add more to the second section. It's going someplace, and I want to see it happen.
There's lots of interesting sounds in here, like all the double vowel words and a lot of "oh" and "oo" sounds. Maybe try to play with that some more, make it sing, see if it does anything for the work.
I like the parallel between the unfed stove and people. That analogy can have a lot of weight.
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